I’m going to go ahead and put this one behind a cut because it may get a little longish. I don’t want to clog up dashes, but I appreciate y’all who are following my small journey here. And I definitely appreciate all of the support.
Not only do I have a pathology test (whoo hoo), but my parents are coming with me to therapy for the first time ever.
They’ll have their own session privately at 3 PM, and then I’ll join them at 3:50.
I’m a bit nervous, but I’m also excited. It’s something that needs to happen, and pretty much nothing new can be said. So they’ll either leave feeling the same, or there is a slight possibility that they will feel a little better about things. I don’t hold out much hope though because every time I do, it doesn’t really end up well.
It would be nice though. Of course, nothing magic is going to happen, and they’re not going to end up being totally fine with me being trans* after a few hours of talking. But a dude can dream, I suppose.
I’ll let y’all know how it goes tomorrow night. They said they’d take me out to dinner, but we’ll see if any of us actually has an appetite after that.
I’m very excited!
I’m going to be meeting with a fellow trans* dude on Friday night for dinner!
I knew his partner a while back, and both of them used to be roommates with one of my best friends…and she got us in contact so he can give me some guidance through this process. I’m really looking forward to the information he can give me regarding trans*-friendly health professionals in the area, and to hear about his experience thus far. He’s also an anthropology major doing research on gender and gender identity, and I’m excited to hear more about that as well.
It’s going to be awesome to actually talk to someone here who has been where I’m going.
Of course, this will push back playing that little Bioware game that came out this week, but I think this is more important :D
I really appreciate all the replies, the messages I got in my inbox, and the texts from a few of you.
I’m feeling a lot better now. Because I know my parents are just freaking the fuck out and they’re looking for any way that this could be caused by something that is fixable.
Basically they think I have an adrenal disorder (srsly fuck you google you should have nothing about medical conditions because shit like this happens). I have a few symptoms of a disorder, and a few out of hundreds of articles and papers mentioned gender identity issues linked to said disorder.
So now they’re going to be having me get tested.
But I let them know that even if I do have this disorder, that doesn’t mean that’s the cause of my issues. And if I’m going to be put on medication and if it does nothing for my feelings on everything, I’m going to transition so long as I have a therapist and an psychiatrist who agree with me and are willing to write me letters.
They said that, if it came to that, they would love me and support me, but they would probably never be ok with the “mutilation” of my body as I should just deal with what God gave me.
Well. No.
I’ve dealt with this for long enough. Too long. And, as a person of science, if there’s a fucking solution to a problem, you fucking go for it. Motherfucker.
Pretty much regardless of what happens, I still plan to mutilate the shit out of my body, clearly with no help from them. So I shall be hoarding my money now. I have my trips planned for this summer which I can’t back out of (nor do I wish to), but other than that, I’m not spending anything that’s not necessary. This means commissions as well, and I’m sorry for that because I love to support the artists of this fandom. But I’m going to need to pull at least $50,000 out of my ass in the next 6 years, and it’s the first surgeries (before I have a good income) that I’m worried about paying for.
But yes. Thank you guys so much for the support.
So today my mom called to wish me a happy Valentine’s Day and ask what my fiance and I were doing tonight. I kind of beat around the bush until I told her that he and I were pretty much over, so we would be doing nothing (except for ME3 demo awww yeeahhh).
Anyway she wasn’t overly shocked because she had been able to see that I was unhappy with him for a number of years. But she of course wanted to know my reasoning behind it and, besides the fact that I really can’t stand him, I told her that I couldn’t be the partner he needed me to be due to my gender issues.
We spent about 30 minutes on the phone being all emotional about things. She was distraught that I seemed to be so unhappy with life, but I told her that I was going to need to start caring about myself and making decisions for me and for no one else. I told her that no matter what those choices were, I desperately needed her support and that of my father.
I planned to just leave it at this, but she just stopped and told me she knew. She knew I was going to transition, and that she was terrified, but she was ok with it. She wanted nothing more than my happiness, and she still needs time to cope and learn more about it, but she wanted to support me and be by my side.
I was shocked…I figured I had 2 years to convince them that, for one, this was real and then to let them know that I was going to transition. But she just apparently figured it out. And what a surprise it was to hear that she supported me.
It’s going to be a struggle…there’s no doubt about that. But it’s going to be so much easier knowing that I’ll have her and my dad by my side. Granted, my dad doesn’t know yet, but he’ll be more ok with it than my mom is.
I have so many feels. I can’t stop crying. But finally it’s because I’m happy.
He said that I could have the mastectomy done as soon as I wanted it as long as I had 2 letters from psychiatric professionals. Then I could have the first of a series of bottom surgeries one year after testosterone, again with the 2 letters. The ovariohysterectomy would need to be done with someone else (and before any bottom surgery).
I’m very excited…if I can accrue the funds, I could have all of this done within 4-5 years. I mean may take longer…but I can strive for this. I could always push legally getting my F changed to an M on my documents after that.
Holy shit. Yes.
I might cry :)
Anonymous asked: Hi. I'm on anon because this is an embarrassing question. When you transition from female to male and get the procedure that gives you a penis and such (forgot the scientific word, sorry) is there a possibility of experiencing reduced sensitivity? Just curious.
You don’t need to be embarrassed or apologize, but that’s perfectly fine.
Yes, there would no doubt be decrease sensitivity if I went through all of the bottom surgeries. However, I’m really not overly concerned about this. Sex is not my goal for any of this. I’d love to think that I won’t end up alone and that I’ll have a partner who wants me emotionally, romantically, and physically, but if not…I’ll deal. This is about having parts I feel like I should have. But really, more importantly, it’s just feeling right in my own skin which could very well happen without bottom surgery.
So I had my first therapy session since fully deciding to transition. And it was great. I was actually happy and didn’t get really emotional, and it was great.
We just discussed what I wanted to do and what I wanted to do with my fiance and my family.
But the great part was when I asked her about my future work with her. She’s educated and has dealt with trans* people before, but it’s certainly not her area of expertise. So I was a bit concerned about needing to move on to someone who can help me in the process later on.
However, she told me that she would be more than happy and confident in writing a letter of request for me for testosterone when the time comes for that. She’s written a few others in the past, and she said that she was more comfortable writing one for me right then than she was about the ones she had written in the past for clients she’d known longer.
I don’t need validation. I know who I am. But it’s fucking nice to have someone say it. And it’s so nice to know that this will be one thing less that I have to worry about :D
Anonymous asked: If you don't mind me asking, what pronouns do you prefer we use?
I would love masculine pronouns to be used.
Fucking love it.
Because every day when I hear “ma’am”, “her”, “she”, etc…I get instantly confused and then sad.
So yeah, it you guys don’t mind, that would be preferable. I’m not going to get mad if someone doesn’t do it though or forgets to.
Thank you for asking <3
Anonymous asked: These surgeries are quite costly correct? Do you have a plan on how to pay for them? I assume that your family isn't going to help (which is sad).
Yeah the surgeries are pretty pricey. The thing that sucks is that insurance will not cover them because they are not “necessary for the life of the patient”.
Well, insurance companies need to spend some more time with trans* people.
I am hoping that I can possibly get the ovariohysterectomy done under insurance as I have always had problems with my internal female parts, but we shall see.
But here, for example..these are surgery estimates (keep in mind that this doesn’t include things such as cost of therapy or doctor visits, costs of flying out for surgeries/consultations/hospital stays, testosterone, costs of changing documentation, loss of income due to potential unemployment, etc…which is why my initial estimate of $80k is probably not so far-fetched). This is just strictly what going under the knife costs:
So yeah…super expensive.
I am very, very much hoping that my parents will at least help me start the process and pay for testosterone and possibly the mastectomy and ovariohysterectomy if insurance won’t cover that. They don’t know about this yet (as they don’t even know if they believe me yet), but I do know that their goal for me is my happiness, so it’s not impossible to think that they may help.
Otherwise, I am lucky in that I will only leave my 9 year college career being $10,000 in debt, and I will hopefully have a starting salary of around $67,000. So I will likely have time to save quite a bit to get this done, but loans may need to happen. I guess we’ll just have to see.